TRAINING GROUNDS

I knew who you were before I even knew myself.
I didn't know your name until I was fourteen, and then--
Then, I whispered it as a mantra as I lay awake,
Until it felt like garbled nonsense on my tongue,
Because that was the first day I saw your face.

That was the year I found music.
A coincidence, I thought, that I should find you
in the same year I started to live.
You always liked coincidences.
And you've always been some happy accident.

When your name first faded away like swallowed ice
that melted in my stomach,
I couldn't understand...
Until your face was replaced,
And your name was a new name:
Until you drifted off yet again.

The music changed as you did,
but it was always there;
the warmth stayed in my headphones
even as the songs went through their own puberty.
And I know your tune. Your sound blinds me.
I've heard it in the static between radio stations.
I hum it while I try to sleep.

I've known the warmth of your arms,
I know your warmth.
I know your smile.
I just wish I could find you.